Don’t make it sad

Elise and I took Maly to the airport yesterday afternoon so she could get back to Charleston to start school on Monday. She was bummed about having to go back. We were bummed about her going back. There were a few hints during the break about her dropping out, or transferring to another college. I think it’s the post-holiday blues and knowing she has to go back to “work” 1,300 miles away from home.

I get it. I get the blues after the holidays. In fact, I get it really badly. I probably get depressed. I just don’t have a doctor to tell me I get clinically depressed.

While I was writing this year’s Christmas Newsletter, I could tell I really starting to get the blues. And I was worried that I’d really start getting down today and tonight since it’s the Sunday after Maly left for college, Elise and I are back to work (again, after a weekend), and Mara’s Christmas break is coming to an end too.

Maly spent four days in Aspen with Jared and his family. She came back on January 1st so she could spend time with us, and get ready to head back to Charleston. Jared and the family stayed in Aspen until the 4th, which is the same day Maly left for Charleston. Maly and Jared had to say goodbye in Aspen. I guess now that I type that, Aspen’s probably not a bad place to say goodbye.

But I asked her if it was sad having to say goodbye to Jared in Aspen. She simply said, “yeah, but we didn’t make it sad.” I heard her when she said those words, but they didn’t set in until yesterday, the day we’d take Maly to the airport. The end of her Christmas break and the last time we’d see her in person for months. I made it a point to be around her as much as I could yesterday. I kept trying to remember the words she used. Was it “don’t let it be sad” or “don’t make it sad?”

I settled on “don’t make it sad.” That implies that I have some control of how I manage my emotions. If I think “don’t let it be sad” that implies that I’ll let my emotions dictate my emotional wellbeing.

We took Maly to the airport yesterday. We parked in short-term parking and walked into the airport with her to check her bag and to see her off to go through TSA. Every once in a while I’d think to myself, “don’t make it sad.” We watched Maly until we couldn’t see her anymore. I don’t think either of us wanted to leave the airport, but there was no sense in hanging out at the airport. Our child was on her way.

Instead of going home for the invariable moping and sitting on the couch and watching TV, Elise and I went to Home Depot and Costco. We had time to kill, and it was something to do.

When we got home, I kept reminding myself, “don’t make it sad.” I stayed busy. I made green chile pork stew, watched some football, went to bed, put a dent in Great Expectations, and conked out around 10 p.m. and slept the best that I can recall in a really long time. I slept in until 5:45 (I’m usually up around 4:00 a.m.). I got out of bed a little disoriented because I’m usually out the door for a run before 6. I started my morning rituals and “don’t make it sad” popped into my head like it was second nature. I didn’t think or dwell on Christmas winding down, or Maly being halfway across the country and us not seeing her again for months. I pressed on, went about my morning, got dressed, loaded up, and went for my run.

When she left home for college in August, I was a wreck. For weeks.

This morning was very gray and slightly windy. The outside atmosphere was somber and melancholy. I loaded up a “chill winter mix” playlist and just went out to run the hills in Lost Creek and Barton Creek. I didn’t let anything get to me. I didn’t make it sad.

It’s simple and effective. And it’s a lesson learned from whom would otherwise be the source of sadness.

Don’t make it sad.