I’ve been struggling again this week with Maly being so far away at college. I think what did it was when we talked to her over FaceTime on Sunday evening. All week I get excited and can’t wait to talk to her and tell her all the things that I want to tell her. And then on Sunday’s FaceTime call all I wanted to do is stare at and dote on her, just like when she was a little child.
It doesn’t help that we’ve had a little “false Fall” for the past four days. It’s been in the 50’s in the morning and the humidity is almost non-existent. It feels like Fall. We’ll get another heat wave this week, but the change in temperature and daylight hours have become noticeable.
I walked Mara to school this morning. So far this week I’ve taken the “long way” home. It’s a half mile walk to school. I take a detour on the way back to the house that makes the walk back a mile. It’s been nice outside in the mornings. I’d much rather be walking than sitting at a desk.
I was walking through our little section of the neighborhood. Up off Allerton, on Colberg, on Gaur. I just started thinking about all the times we’ve walked those streets on Halloween night. All the miles we’ve probably put on those streets and sidewalks with Ray, Julia, Nico, Eve, Ava, Emma, Elsa, Kellen, and kids I might’ve forgotten.
I walked by Maly’s old friend Avery’s old house. I’d dropped Maly off at Avery’s house many times. They used to be best friends in middle school. I don’t really know what happened with that relationship. Avery’s parents got divorced, and Avery and her mom eventually moved away. I guess it was a proximity thing. And making new friends. And, just moving on.
It’s amazing how a chapter just closes in a child’s life. And I guess that same chapter closes in your life. But you’re not the one who’s reading or writing the chapter. You’re just a listener. An observer.
I find myself longing for those past times. I have regrets that I didn’t really take in those little moments. Like all of the miles and hours covered and spent on Halloween nights. I was being an obliging parent. I wish I would’ve been a more in-tune listener and observer. I wish I would’ve been more present in those minutes instead of whatever else I was thinking about or doing. Like concerning myself with the immediate future, or anxiously awaiting for this inconvenient phase of childrearing to pass.
I wish I would’ve been more trusting and appreciative of my children’s friends. I wish I would’ve known to see them as the important parts that they played, and hopefully still play, in my girls’ lives and vice versa.
But what I really wish is that I had a better memory. I swear the last 18 years have flown by. Elise has a better memory than me, and I like to hear her recount stories of times with our kids with greater detail. I have photos but I often wish I had more photos.
I think I’ll keep taking the long way home every morning and hopefully I can unearth some of those old photos in my head while at the same time reminding myself to be very present in the moment.