It’s hard to believe that three days have already passed since we saw Maly. We said our goodbyes on Saturday night and we had to be up at 4:00 a.m. the next morning to catch our early flight back to Austin. We had a full Sunday back at home. Monday was our last official day of Summer break with Mara. Elise and I both took the day off of work. Elise and Mara went shopping for school clothes. I don’t remember Monday. I’ve been in a fog.
Mara started school on Tuesday.
Monday night was hard because it was the end of summer. Mara really got the ass end of summer this year. Elise started her new job back in October which requires her to be at the office during the day. I started my new job in June which requires me to be camped out and unavailable during the day. And because of new jobs we weren’t able to travel or do much of any noteworthy weekday daytime activities. Poor Mara was pretty much just camped out in her room all summer. And as a parent, well, that just makes you feel like crap.
Elise went back to work on Tuesday.
I’d barely been at my job for 6 weeks and had no vacation time, so our travels to Charleston for orientation and moving Maly to school were unpaid. As I as planning my my time off for Maly’s move-in, I decided to take Tuesday off as well. I already wasn’t getting paid for a whole week, so I figured one more day wouldn’t add much to the damage. I voluntarily shared our itinerary with my boss, and told her that I wanted to also take Tuesday off for a “mental health day.” I told her I’d probably just hang out by myself in the house all day and cry. I will say that I really like my boss. I have since day one. She totally understood and made no bones about me taking all the time that I needed.
I decided to make Tuesday a good day. We got Mara off to school. She woke up early. She was a little bummed and apprehensive, but also a little excited about starting 7th grade. Elise and I both walked her up the hill to school and it was like back to normal again. After hugs and kisses and goodbyes, Mara was off to start her new school year. Elise and I walked back home together. She had to rush off and get to work.
And then I was by myself. Just as I’d imagined and planned. I was going to commence my good day. I already had most of my day planned…
I went for my scheduled run. I went out later than I would’ve normally liked, but that was okay. I was able to catch up on some sleep. I didn’t feel rushed on Mara’s first day of school. And I had the day off, so I was in no hurry. It was a hard 40 minute tempo run that I didn’t start until 9:00 a.m. I was already pouring sweat halfway into my warm-up. I focused on being in the moment – in that run – and reminded myself that while it hasn’t been in the forefront, I do have the NYC Marathon coming up in a few months and I have a specific goal time that I’m training for.
The rest of day was going to be relegated to posting Mara’s first day of 7th grade photos, and then I was really excited to just kick back and scroll through everyone else’s first day of school photos on Facebook. Then I’d eat. Maybe take a nap. Maybe read. Maybe watch a movie.
I got through posting Mara’s first day of school photo and loving every first day of school photo that I could find on Facebook. And then I started scrolling through 18 years of photos in my Google Photos library and started sobbing. It was healthy sobbing, but it got to the point where it was starting to become draining. So I moved about the house. But everywhere I turned there are pieces and reminders of Maly. I kept crying. I went through a few fits of those chest-heaving sobs. Once when I was just standing in front of the sink in the kitchen. The dog even raised her head as she lay on the carpet in the living room because she knew something was wrong.
I decided to really punish myself and took my laptop into Maly’s room and I sat at her desk and watched old videos of her. And then I went into my closet and pulled out the plastic bin of old cards — birthday, Father’s Day, Christmas cards. I went through a few handfuls of those and tried to recount their presentation, probably at the kitchen table.
My relaxing afternoon turned into a flood of emotions and sorrow and missing Maly. I thought about calling her, just to hear her voice, but I didn’t want to be selfish and subject her to a babbling and crying dad.
I don’t know if it was the right thing to do, but I wrote her an email. I thought about texting her but I have a tendency to be long with written words. So I figured an email would work. I guess I just needed to let it out. I just wanted her to know that I love and miss her and that this is arguably one of the hardest bouts of emotions that I’ve ever had to contend with.
I told her about how so badly I wanted to just fly up to Charleston, scoop her up, and bring her back home to live with us forever. But I also told her how selfish that would be, and unfair to the both of us.
I don’t remember everything that I wrote, and it would probably be a long time before I went back and read that email, if ever. I just really wanted her to know that I love her and miss her. I feel like I can never say “I love you” enough. And I worry that I didn’t say it often enough when she was still just in the other room. Or when she was just down the street at work. Or at school. Or driving around with her friends.
This photo is of the blister in the center of my palm that is healing. It’s a blister that I earned from driving screws through a 1-inch common board and into Maly’s dorm room headboard with a screwdriver. I had to fabricate legs for her headboard so they could attach to her bed frame. I had limited tools available to me, so a bit of pressure was required to drive screws into the headboard. The blister hurt at the time, and was in an inconvenient location. But it’s a physical reminder, albeit a small one, of what I’ll do for my child. In a way, I wish it would never heal. I wish it would leave a scar.