I spent the better part of last Friday evening and this past Saturday morning installing a hardware device that uses the latest military technology on my truck. If you know of my luxurious 1993 4-cylinder Toyota mini truck with a custom JB Weld dashboard modification, you know that any form of military technology was a must-have.
It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you and to have installed on my deer-shaped bumper: XP3 Corporation’s The Hornet Electronic Deer Avoidance System. I will henceforth refer to it as THEDAS because acronyms are the essence of military technology. I received THEDAS as a thoughtful Christmas present from my parents because they know of the deer ridden highway on which I commute to and from work and they know that deer don’t like military technology, as some studies indicate.
“Every year there are more than 1.7 million reports of automobile collisions with deer” according to the folks over at XP3 Corporation. That’s a lot of reports! I hit a deer over a year ago and didn’t report it. I wonder how many of us there are out there. I wonder if there is a support group for people who don’t report automobile collisions with deer. I wonder how many reports were submitted by the deer themselves.
Without getting into great detail, here is how I installed THEDAS. I mounted “The Hornet” to the right of my truck’s radiator and angled it, as advised, at a 45-degree angle to the road surface. I grounded the device to the frame of the truck, insulated and ran the lead wire through the engine compartment through the firewall to the switch and then the switch to the 7.5 amp radio fuse on the driver’s side kick plate.
I turned the key, flipped the switch and what was heard was the latest military technology. Beeeeeeeeeep. I ran inside to get Elise so she could witness my craftsmanship and hear the latest military technology.
“That’ll be great if the deer hears it four feet from your truck.”
“But it’s THE LATEST MILITARY TECHNOLOGY!”
The latest military technology sounds like a muffled microwave timer’s beep in a constant and monotone mode. I immediately questioned the latest military technology as the sound that was emmitted didn’t even phase the cat. In fact, Riley was drawn to the constant beep coming from the front of my truck. I found solace in that THEDAS employs Sonic Systems Wave Variance Tuning. If I had to guess what Sonic Systems Wave Variance Tuning is, I would say that it is the Sonic version of Wave Variance Tuning and will vary its pitch accordingly in relation to the number of deer running toward the highway, incoming wind velocity, barometric pressure and GPS firmware upgrades. After all, it IS military technology.
After all of the hard work I put into mounting THEDAS and the complex wiring that could easily land me a cush job as a design engineer for Lockheed Martin, I found out that deer avoidance systems are a crock of shit.
All hope is not lost. I could resort to previous military technology as did this Arkansas man: “Before he discovered deer whistles, a supervisor for an Arkansas utility came up with his own plan to scare deer off the dark country roads. He taped the barking of his neighbor’s dogs, rigged an amplified speaker to the front of his truck and then broadcast the tape as he cruised down highways.”
The XP3 Corporation claims that “The Hornet Electronic Deer Avoidance System, used with driver awareness, will reduce your risk of hazardous animal/vehicle collision by more than 70%.” According to the product packaging, “driver awareness” means driving with care, using headlights and blowing the vehicle’s horn at the first sighting of an animal.
I have and will continue to use my “driver awareness” in an attempt to avoid a collision with animals on the highway. It will be comforting to know that Riley will now be able to hear me coming home in the evenings and he can meet me in the driveway. Hopefully he won’t run out into the street to sniff the front bumper of the truck while I’m driving. Dualy note: blow vehicle’s horn upon first sighting of an animal. And that is the latest military technology.